today was the day we promised no matter what we would be with each other.

I have a feeling that this day will pass without any recollection of that promise.

there is very little I can say really.  it's really sort of sad that the thing I am seemingly most upset about is just how typical everyone is...but that is pretty fucking typical. I feel like there is actually madness marinating inside of me. I want to shout. I want to fight. I want to tell everyone everything but it couldn't matter less such god damn phoneys. I have never been so silent in my life and I don't think I have ever had more to say.

it probably makes me ordinary to think these things and say nothing. maybe I don't see the point in in because I generally don't really even respect the opinions of those who I happen to encounter on a daily basis....I don't know. maybe I would if they did not act like a badly scripted out sitcom.

I have never been one for apathy. I think it's kind of a gross emotion, reserved only for those with little brains or little hearts. in most cases I feel too much, too fast, too deeply. but I may have just given up really caring. why should I care. I guess I have lost faith in people.

in two months my whole world became a different place. the closest things became the most distant from me. bonds that even at my most cynical I believed to be impervious are now just things of the past.... memories only to be enjoyed when I am feeling  not venerable enough to completely break. but that is life and it only really slays me when I listen to certain music or go into the East.

it is not bad all the time. I am happy a lot. I just don't feel joyous around people anymore. I don't even really want to. at that point that I would usually let loose and feel, you know, infinite and shit I just don't. even around the people I love and cherish the most...which is doing them a disservice.

I know it is worthless to care too much but I feel that my almost guttural reaction to it all makes me alive. how could one not be sickened with such simplicity. more and more I think about the place  that I came from and the people there. maybe I am not meant for this place.  I don't know if have the stomach for it aesthetically speaking or otherwise.  I don't think I am fake enough frankly. I have absolutely no desire to pretend I am anything other then what I am. I have no facade. I don't give a fuck about what kind of SICK music you like or the bars you go to.

I do care that I have been made into the slutty scapegoat. but I can only care a little because it has happened so many times. I do care that I lost  the one that made me feel like I was not so alone in this town full of fuckery.  I do care that  I once felt like I belonged to someone.  I do care that the most seemingly devoted girlfriend fucked her boyfriends best friend and that I was made to keep that secret. I do care that this guy who used to call himself my best friend now does not even say hello to me when I walk in his house, even though I would still walk through fire for him. I do care that I have nowhere to call home. I do care that everyone I know used to smile more. there is just nothing to be done so I have to not care. everyone is a martyr for misery in their own head sometimes.



I could just leave. I think about it a lot. I am not sure there is anything left for me here. the thing is, for me leaving in times such as these is rather typical.

Current Mood: determined

tomorrow I will be 21.

usually I would be nervous, I would worry that no one would want to celebrate with me or that it would turn out shitty as most of my important birthdays do. but this year I have not a worry in the world......

the truth is I just keep thinking how very different I feel now then I did this time last year. I feel like everything in my life has changed and evolved, in such a positive way. moving out of la mesa might have been a rattling experience but in the end I am so happy it happened. the la mesa house carried with it this sort of weird unrealized pain.

more then where I have been physically relocated to, I feel as if something in my brain has done the same thing. after winter break my life just went in this whole new direction. it's as if I just woke up one morning and I realized I  needed to make myself happy.

for the first time in my life, I made the choice not to spend my summer in Oregon. I really feel like this was a culmination of everything that I have learned over the last year. I knew that if I went back this summer, I would just keep going back. and the truth is california is my home now. to go back would like shooting myself in the arm for fun. sans the time with my family and a very few people there, all that place holds for me is the promise of having a run in with at least one more knocked up girl from my class, thoughts of wanting to rip all my hair out/ drown myself, and memories of sticky inexperienced boys who will never get over themselves or Halo.

so really, at midnight tonight this is why I will be worry free:

I have found people that I love without reservation, and I know I have people who cherish me and want to celebrate my birth. I am truly happy. I live a blessed life.....when you weed the bad shit out of your life you can see just how fucking amazing the good stuff really is. I feel a nearly unbearable sense of joy. I feel almost undeserving to be so happy.... perhaps I am just astonished I have done something right.

all I can do is enjoy it. I guess my only concern is what I will wish for when I blow the candles out.

 

Molly:

I as well have problems sleeping during the summer.  This is most likely due to the state of mind that I adopt during the months of heat and drunken excursions.  We think too much or don't think enough.

I have started to become at home.  It is the end of the 'just visiting' stage and just delving into the rapid horrors of comfort.  There are two problems that I can really see in this.  One is that I am home, and that no matter where I go, my sister and mum will be my anchors.  So I can't exactly ever be visiting, just switching from home to home.  The second problem is that in reality I will leave in the end of August and now that I've started with this whole comfort thing its only going to hurt more.  That is why I never put the sheets on my bed.

Its very good I'm here.  I can feel it in my boooooones. 

Current Location: the little house
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: 50 cent, She wants it!

Meghan:

I have just made plans with the sisterwife to go hate on the world together. it's going to be great. 

yesterday I saw Harry Potter, it was way good, just way rushed  and for the longest book to be the shortest movie seems a bit odd to me. but let me tell you, Mr. Potter can kiss me in the room of requirement anytime.  I waited in line for 6 hours. at first there was only 5 people in front of Molly and I. but then all these fat lesbians started rolling in, shouting about gay prom and kissing girls. it was gross only because they were gross and loud. in retaliation I ran in front of all of them and got the best seats, I didn't feel bad. 

I can't sleep well in the summer. I wonder if it is becuase I smoke a lot more, drink more coffee, or if it is just too hot. I don't like sleeping with  the windows open becuase I am afraid someone will break in an kill me, I don't like the overhead fans to be on becuase they make strange sounds sometimes. but if I don't do at least one of those things I  feel like an animal trapped in car at a mall parking lot without a cracked window. it sure is a vicious cycle. 

the other weekend I went to an anime expo. it was quite a day. I did not dress up and yet creepy men kept asking to take my picture and some sort of zombie looking thing tried to take off my dress. it was pretty fun though.

what this summer really needs is more drunk dancing. that is all.

Current Mood: awake